Don't be a dummy. Of course I'm not.
My depression these days is just killing me. I rarely ever see myself truly happy. I may smile a lot and laugh a lot, but if you'd open your eyes, you'll see a girl, dying piece by piece. You'd never think that I, the sunshine girl, the one who always laughs and smiles is actually the complete opposite.
Sometimes, I feel so scared of being happy. It kills me already. Every time I try to be happy, every time I smile with my friends, or am so close to that filled bottle, something always happens, wether it be a scold, a new anxiety, or a complete joke.
Sometimes, I change. I change to see how people would act. Will they ask what's up? Will they give more attention? Even a simple "are you ok?"? And the results? No one noticed. At all. I'm always the piece of dust that no one cares about. I'm always the blame, the one who is always wrong, the one who will never be perfect, and will never be right for at least once in her life. Everything I ask for is always such a big thing. Please, universe, don't make my best friend ignore me. Nah, who cares, there are better people, ba bye to her. Please, universe, don't make my parents be so unfair. Ugh, but shouldn't you be defeated with karma? Like, you always do bad things. *actually gives a lot more pain than expected karma*. Mom, I'm sorry, I spilled some juice in my room. Ugh this is all your fault, I told you to eat downstairs, you always make me tired, you have no mercy! Don't you know how filled my glass is, how full of sadness it is? Hey Eliza, could you help me out with these? Oh, I think, probably later, Oh, well then maybe we could... Ooh Jessica, let's go to the mall!
I mean come on, except for my dream to be a successful writer, I DO NOT ASK FOR JEWELS OR DIAMONDS OR GOLD. If you're imagining me now in tears, what I feel is way way way worse.
From now on, I'm going to be stiff with this world. I'm not a little girl, wondering and having fun. I'm struggling, struggling to keep up with everything. My future, my friends, school, family, interests, people. When the world pushes you, you've got to be strong enough to fight back. Don't be that delicate princess, cry if you wanna cry, feel free. I'm sick and tired too, you know. But alas, even in the depths of despair, you've gotta keep fighting, no matter how heavy that burden on your back may be.
With this horrible life at its worst, I just want to kill myself. But of course, I wouldn't and I couldn't, since that would only bring me to hell and that'd be a complete waste of pain. World, I don't think you'll remember me, a piece of dust, so have fun without me. Athena No One, signing out :)