Tomorrow, we'll be having once more another family reunion, celebrating Grandma's birthday. The mall location was changed, and for some reason, this bothers me a lot. My mind is bursting with questions and worries. What if I don't enjoy myself? What if tomorrow won't be as fun as the reunion two weeks ago? What if my cousins ignore me? What if it's just going to be ANOTHER out of place moment for me? I'm tired of it, and I've long accepted the fact that I practically have no grasp or control with this life. As I've said many times before, nothing happens even if you look at the bright side, have a positive mindset, or step out of your comfy zone. I always mess up. You can't blame me. I'm only human, and trust me when I say that I fail every time I try. It's natural for me to feel like this, so just please let me be.
I miss you, and I'm just thinking of how better these dark days would be with you, even if this wouldn't even be such a big thing for my five year old self. I ask of you and God to please guide me and stay with me. I've got no one else, and I NEED to cling to EVERYTHING that makes me happy and makes me feel better just to survive this horrible, horrible world. I miss you, and think of you every time I see my family. The days you'd visit our home just to watch my little plays...I never realized how big of a thing that was for you, especially since you and grandma lived a bit far from our house. I miss the days in the past where you'd visit home and and spend the whole time talking to me. I'd look forward to reliving my old baby pictures, with you always staring at me. I miss the days you'd pick me up to swim at your house. The days where you'd teach me and my cousin random stuff, as if we were big kids at a serious school. I miss seeing your warm eyes, and comforting smile. I just can't bear to think how much better things would be if you were still with us. What a very big change would happen. I love you, please never forget. XOXO.