Against All

Tears, tears, and tears

Overthinking, anxiety, stress.

Eternal darkness fills my vision

As the never ending cycle greets me

like an old friend

It's always my fault, isn't it?

And I'm always wrong

I'm the bad one.

I'm the worst.

Damage me some more, will you?

cause you can't break what's already broken!

      Photo From Pinterest

This is my life,

This is how things always are

How things always will be

I don't know what to feel

I don't know what to do

I don't want to eat

I don't want to go out

I don't want to go to school

I don't want to wake up

I don't want to live.

I don't believe in the "possible"

and I never really had

But I couldn't ever believe in the reality

When the unbelievable, the unlikely, the fairytale,

The unthinkable, the unspeakable, the fantasy

the fictional, the imaginary,

ALL THE WORDS FOR IMPOSSIBLE!

Actually, actually, actually,

came true.

From billions of years,

Locked in the darkness,

He came

He came like light,

Shining and glowing

In the black inside of me.

He came out of nowhere,

And made me know

What happiness truly is.

He came in like

sudden wind flying through your hair

on windy days

He came like the coolness of

your favorite chocolate ice cream

Moving through your head,

attacking you with a brain freeze

I simply failed to see that he was there,

Always, he was with me

But now, I know

And I'm not letting go.

      Photo From Pinterest

To be able to see light again

In this, horrid, horrid world

Felt so different

As though I had a rebirth

I could lift cars,

Fly over the world,

read other people's minds,

I felt invincible!

Thanks to him

      Photo From Pinterest

Who is he?

He who melted my tears away,

He who made me feel welcome,

He who made me believe,

He who opened the door when all was shut,

He who erased all the problems,

He who made me laugh,

He who listened,

He who never left me alone, 

who was always there from the very start

Who is he?

When the world is against me,

And no one else cares,

I still have him,

I still have that one person who means the world

And he is, and always will be,

My Dad.

     Photo From Pinterest

Hello Once Again

      Hello once more to you. I've been dying to write this post for the past four days, and now that my fingers are gliding along the keyboard, I am at loss for words. What do I truly want to say?

     I'm just going to go straight to the point, and not ponder over the grief that, I too have about this matter. Marcos being buried in the "Libingan Ng Mga Bayani" is truly an indescribable and horrid thing, and I would never forget the goosebumps and sinking of my heart when I heard that he, A guy who killed, totured, and stole could be called a damn hero. 

      At the moment I heard about the terrifying news, I immediately checked your Facebook wall, and could not believe how true and honest my instincts were acting. Again, kids our age don't give a single thought about these matters, only probably if you write for the school paper or something. But you, you care so much and it's as though you've been there all throughout the dark times, mad and extremely against Martial Law. I kinda hate to say it (I LOATHE SUGARCOATED STUFF, JSYK.), but this makes me like you even more. This is saying something, because I already liked you so much months ago, and I didn't think that it could get any worse. But still, I haven't fallen completely because just like always, I have four words. 

   

U

       Photo from Pinterest

     I. Don't. Know. You.

      I kept on talking to myself earlier, begging and desperate for some action to happen, since I hate to admit it, but I'm becoming quite eager to know you (WHAT DID I JUST SAY....). But I don't want to see you in real life. I know that it'll be awkward and you'll see me as someone who I'm not. But I've also thought about it and, it's also impossible for us to not meet at least once more in the future, since our moms are kind of like friends. I can't stand thinking of how awkward and red my face will be when that day comes. 

       Photo from Pinterest

      Photo from Pinterest

     I know that it's impossible for what I usually dream of in love to become a reality. For in love, the impossible is just impossible. As everyone knows, I'm very focused on my dreams and never give up, and I don't believe in the impossible. But when it comes to thie, I strongly think that the impossible is simply, impossible. That's it. You can't do anything, even with hard work. And how will all my pathetic visions be a reality? I know for a fact that we live in two separate and different worlds. You barely know me. But I accept this sad truth, because from the very first dream I had of you, on the night of 12th February, I knew from the start that it was all a dream, impossible. 

     But still, I didn't just let go for some reason I can't explain. I think it's because it just makes me happy. I love the feeling of waking up completely merry as I remember my dream of you. I love even more the feeling of looking at your Facebook wall and letting my dreams collaborate with reality. But what I love the most, is when I write about you. Perfecting A Princess wouldn't have been how it is, or it wouldn't even exist without you. And putting you in my stories lets me think of you more, and even allows me to have adventures with you through my own head and imagination. And how weird and odd it is for a girl you never knew to practically be obsessed with you, and you don't have a single clue. If you discover this, it's all going to sound surreal. 

       Photo from Pinterest

     I know what you're thinking, these are such stupid reasons for me to suddenly fall, but out of everything I can put into words and explain thouroughly, I cannot manage to explain THIS situation. You are my first, and I doubt that I'll ever think or like anyone else like you.

      You know who you are. Another unsent letter this is, but if the day comes when your eyes finally read this, word per word with your heart beating loudly, a teeny tiny part of me right now prays and hopes and wishes, that I'll be right next to you, saying one thing for the rest of life.

OKAY, WHAT JUST HAPPENED? WHAT DID I JUST SAY? I HATE SUGARCOATED STUFF. UGH WHAT DID I DO.

      Photo from Pinterest

Back To Reality

      Just last week, semestral break ended, and as our teachers say, we are now "back in reality". I finally feel it all come back. But today, I just want to say that for some reason, I feel really really happy. It's kinda weird because if you come to think of it, my present is filled with problems. School work is starting to multiply again, graded recitations are increasing, Donald Trump won the elections, me and Scarlette's fight still isn't over, my uncle went back to America, and yet, for some tiny fact which I am eager to find out, I feel indescribably happy.

      When I got home, I was just in this giddy feeling and I listened to some new songs. I actually have a theory that this could be the cause of my very strong patronus. To be clear and so I'll never forget this revolutionary day, I listened to "All Night" by The Vamps ft. Matoma, and "Bad Things" by Machine Gun Kelly and Camila Cabello. 

      Photo From Google Images

     Photo from Google Images

     Whenever I discover something new, I always have a theory or theories since I want to discover its real cause or what it is. For this matter, I have a theory that it's because my uncle left, and I feel happier since I mostly get annoyed at him. It could also be because of Scarlette since we don't talk and I'm a bit free, but that doesn't really make sense since I feel bad about that situation. It's a Tuesday, and we only have five subjects at school, which could also be a possible cause. But what I think is the real, and strongest reason of my happiness? Read on. 

      I kept on singing while fixing my stuff for school, and for the first time in such a humongous amount of time, I felt HAPPY. I wasn't faking it, or forcing myself to be happy. And this makes me so curious. 

      By dinner time though, I started watching some YouTube (I LOVE JANINA VELA AND BETHANY MOTA, BTW) and that was also such a great time, since YouTube is technically my solution to be happy and to laugh. I have this other theory that my sadness comes from the fact that I just do school work too much, and I think that I don't get to enjoy life very much, since it's always work work work work. I still have loads of time tomorrow to do my unfinished work, and that'll also be productive since I'll be doing something other than just watching the hands of our clock tick by. This cycle seems really healthy, and I love it. I hope my depression (I don't really have the disorder, jsyk. I just experience a lot sad stuff in life.) goes away, and I get some control over this life.

      Photo From Pinterest

Field Trip 2016

     The past three days I've experienced were sooo tiring. Thursday? I cried my eyes out at the fact of me and Scarlette still being bitter like never before, even after semestral break. Friday? It was super fun since it was our field trip! I sat next to Emma, and I instantly fell asleep once I got home. And Saturday, you ask? Me and my family had a trip to Tagaytay, and me and my parents had this big argument earlier in the morning since I really didn't want to wake up because I was so tired from the field trip yesterday. But enough with the complaints, let me tell the story of my School Field trip! (For more photos, visit my Facebook page Wonderings of a Writer, or Instagram account, Athena Cat)

     As I can remember, me and my batchmates went to San Gregorio Farms, Diving Mercy Shrine, and Hospice Of St. John. I sat next to Emma, since me and Scarlette were still ignoring each other. I had a super great time with her throughout the trip, as we talked about childhood memories, music, zodiacs, and food. If you didn't know, me and Emma were also field trip buddies last school year. 

     Our first destination was Divine Mercy Shrine, which was somewhat of a grotto. From the parking lot, we entered this covered court where stacks and stacks of chairs were tidied up, and a cross and altar stood in the front. Farther away were statues of Jesus and other historical people displayed in the gardens. There was a wishing well, where I obviously asked for me and Scarlette to be alright again, and there was also a tiny fountain where you could pass by. There was also a cave that was filled with flowers and statues or images of Mama Mary, and as I remember, there was also a replica of St. John's home. And by the very very end was finally the beautiful church (which we couldn't really enter for a long time because there was an ongoing mass). 

     Our second destination was The Hospice of St. John, which was an orphanage. But sadly, we literally did not do anything at all there. Even though it was drizzling, we wore our hoodies and went there just to listen to a boring speaker inform us about drugs and abandonment. We only dropped the toys we were supposed to give to the orphans in a trash bag which was collected by our teacher, but the talk was just it. The promised interaction with the orphans was really a big fat lie.

     Lastly, we visited San Gregorio Farms, which was really quite enjoyable, if only we had enough time. After taking our lunch, we went to a part of the farm where we were taught how to create Pastillias (Filipino Candy), purely out of cow milk. 

     Then we watched the process of milking cows (I HATED THIS PART, AND I WANTED TO GO HOME SINCE MY HEAD WAS ACHING DUE TO THE BAD SMELL). And who would've thought that they held us captive there until at least two if our batchmates went to the cow and milked it! It was more of a nightmare if you ask me. I was personally about to die since I seriously couldn't stand the scent anymore.

     But once we survived that part, we moved on to tree planting, which was also quite gross since we had to touch the soil. One of my classmates shrieked in horror when she discovered a spider and a worm in her pile. But anyway, there was this plastic that was filled with soil and a little plant. Now, we had to transfer that plant to the ground using our bare hands. Not even a shovel? No gloves? What will you surprise me with next, Philippines? 😒

     But anyways, we also tried the zipline, which was the COOLEST moment of my life. EVER. It was even nervwrecking for me since it was my first time, and out of all my batchmates, I was second to try. The stairs were spiralling and you had to sit down on this belt and hold on to the grips to stay alive. My legs were so shaky, but part of me was also so eager and excited. And once the farm worker pushed me, I saw myself smiling at the spectacular view the zipline had to offer, and grinned wildly when I saw a River (because I was reminded of someone special...). Who would've thought that when I finally reached its end, I couldn't stop complaining for more! 

     I passed through a hanging bridge through the river, which actually led to the fishing area. Although I didn't want to touch any of the Papayas as bait, my eagerness, curiosness, and adventurous side couldn't say no to fishing. It was my first time, and I absoloutely love trying new things when it comes travelling (I EMPHASIZE, ONLY TRAVELLING.) But sadlyyyy, I didn't catch a single one, and my bait was always captured. 

     For more photos, visit my Instagram account (Athena Cat), or Facebook page (Wonderings of a Writer). This is Athena Cat, saying TRAVEL MORE!