Sunday, February 12, 2017

I don't know anymore.

Ri. 

    Last year ago today, I found myself in a trap, a dream that bothered me for the rest of my life and drove me madder than anything. Last year ago today, you interfered, and I am realizing right now what a big effect you've left to me. I don't want to blurt out too much, but well, here goes. 

                      -THE EFFECT OF YOU- The outcomes of a storm you caused.
1. Right after dreaming of you last year, I tried ignoring it, but when the dreams wouldn't stop and they kept coming back. . . I hate to say it so, but I became hungrier for the dreams, wanting to see you each time my eyes would close and welcome the darkness. 
2. Because of you, I became so interested in dreams. I began studying the different types of dreams, I even started a dream dictionary (which, tbh, didn't really last for long), and I became inclined to dreamcatchers and all that stuff. 

                 


3. It wasn't easy for those wrtched dreams of you to just anchor be down the bottom. No, not at all. But when I DID fall, it was deeper, deeper than any ocean or any great sea in this world. And after that, Perfecting A Princess was made. I have to say that that wonderful story by myself changed a bit of my life, and of course, all roads lead to you for starting the whole thing. 

  
  

4. I started stalking you then, and that also drove me mad. You had these other two girls on your Facebook cover photo, and I so hate to admit that. . . I, Athena Cat. . . would actually get jealous. Being a Scorpio, it's all normal and I'm usually very jealous towards other things, but I can bury it low enough to have the illusion to others and myself that I am not. But with you. . . things are just really. . . different?
5. This is the worst one of all, and if you're wondering, the aftershocks you've left are so much more than these five listed in here. I hate to call it obsession or addiction, but I cannot believe that I'm about to say this. I had a notebook. Pink, with purple and white diamond patterns. I keep it very hidden in my closet unless anyone sees my darkest secret. I actually had a notebook that was supposed to hold all my blog posts about you, unsent letters to you, the priceless dreams I had of you, and the teeny tiny thoughts bothering me, also nothing but you. 

    I currently feel so sad right now, and I think that's because it's Sunday night. The thought of school bothers me so. I'm reading King's Cage by Victoria Aveyard, and I'm not denying that, maybe just a little, I thought of you as well. The emptiness drained me down by studying, and so I quit that (Would you actually believe that Athena Cat quit just for this?) just to write this all down. 

    
   

    Sometimes, most particularly right now, I can't help but wonder and think. I'm prohibiting myself at all costs to say that the cause of my emptiness is love, and to be honest, I am not, and won't believe that excuse. I just really think that sometimes, I'm not living life at all. Always, I live in a fictional, fantasy world of my own, which I know with all my heart can never be true. And as the stupid girl that I am, I still have the guts to feel depressed or blank or annoyed, or anything negative, when it's already turning out that I am running away from my problems.

     I feel confused more than ever right now, especially with the Red Queen series twisting itself into my life, another story rotting, or maybe, benefiting, my brain. I'm so confused with life, and I can't balance this all out. School, family, friends high expectations, dreams, and the HAPPINESS. I don't know if I can take this anymore. 

     Yes, this is another pathetic unsent letter to you. I know very well that the word 'us', is a nothing but a mere daydream and is beyond impossible. But now, I think I won't ever like any one else the way I did with you. I know, these words kill me for being so sugary, but I can't help but declare that yes, they are true. And again, I've spilled a portion of my secrets and fears to nothing but dead air and a universe extremely out of the question. 

     
   

     I shall and can only see you as nothing more than a dream.


    


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