I know that you find it extremely weird for me to be writing such a thing like this to someone whom I barely know. To someone I've met only in my dreams. To someone my open mind created for some lame reason. God, how stupid does that sound? Sigh. How is that freakin' possible, right? Well, just so you know, I don't even know why either. I'm not your typical princess, although I may usually seem like it because of my girlyness. I don't fall easily. I want a reason for me to like someone. And what's weird is that you can't want somebody because of their actions, and you can't truly love someone by observations only. I won't fall for someone who gives me chocolates all day. I won't fall just because of your pricey gifts. I may, but the reason won't mainly be about the presents. Love is a weird, annoying, little thing which I avoid. But Love is felt. When you're about to fall, you listen to your instincts, and no matter how dumb your idea may be, you jump off the cliff, clinging to your own thoughts and knowledge. And the good news, my dear friend, is that there's nothing wrong with that. If you fell for who you thought was the most annoying person ever, then it's ok. It's alright to fall, even though you aren't sure of what you're to get into. I promise. Go. Be free, and be happy, and do what you think is right.
It takes me a long amount of time to embrace my true feelings, and I'll be honest when I say that I myself am also dumbstruck about the fact that I like you so so much. I can't believe how stupid it sounds when you first hear it. But as far as I know, the world I live in has democracy, and there isn't any law about someone like me banned to have a crush on people I want. I'm staying in this imaginary world of mine, in the fairytales of you and me. Because it's the only thing that's keeping me going and alive. It makes me happy, even though I'm drowning in pain and sadness.
Callaron, you are my first crush. Like, a crush that actually lasted for so long. Yeah, I might've laid eyes on some other people, but they never lasted long enough like you, or made me feel as if there was always something new to be excited about. You're so different. Is this love? Of course not. I know it isn't. Or is it? How can you love someone you've only met in your dreams? How can you love someone who doesn't know you? How can you love someone who you barely know? See, I told you I'm not a damsel in distress.
Time is passing, and I still feel as if I've first dreamt of you yesterday. I always think of you before going to sleep. I want to see you in my dreams again. I know it isn't right at all, but I'm completely happy in those dreams. I wanna see us playing League of Legends, or eating in a Chinese restaurant, or jumping over the clouds. Anything as long as you're in it.
I want to know you so badly. Really. From my stalking skills, I've learned only a few things about you, which I'm taking note of because I want to see myself as twenty years old and still writing stuff like this and grinning like an idiot.
-You love music. I know you like twenty one pilots, and you love playing instruments. I reckon seeing you playing the guitar and the drums.
-You love your sister. I know you love your sister so so much. It's really obvious. Well, I guess that all siblings love their own siblings, but I admire you for being so understanding, even with her situation. I shouldn't be giving my thoughts or be interfering, but anyways, it's so nice to think that you're doing your best despite the conflicts. 😊
-You like violet? I'm not sure about this one, actually. I've just noticed that you always wear a violet hoodie in your pictures, and your Nikes are violet too. I'm considering buying a violet G-Shock now.
-You hate the president. Oh, yes, oh yes. You don't like the president of the country. We're on the same page. I mean, killings, rape jokes, and cursing President Obama? I'm worried about the Philippines like you.
-You always have something to say. I like this about you. So much 😊. You're always so updated on the current events of the country, and whenever I see you share news on your timeline, with long paragraphs, I just smile in amazement. (Trust me, just because I'm a writer doesn't mean I'll instantly have a crush on people who are like me. Call me crazy, but I get along well with people who are my complete opposites.) My classmates at school are seriously dunderheads (lolz), and I've never seen a single one of them care about the news or the country. In fact, I myself don't care very much. We're kids! Our opinions are rubbish and won't matter. But you leave me gasping in shock, lecturing all your friends on facebook about Martial law, or voting for Roxas-Robredo. It makes me want to be somewhat like you.
-You're geeky. Yasss. I've observed that, and you and C (yeah, you know who this is) like video games. You love League of Legends and Star Wars (WHICH OMG, I SO SUPER LOVE). You also like Pokemon Go (Like meesa).
-You're the typical. Yep. You're a little bit of a smarty for people our age, but you've got that blend of normality in you as well. I know you've got a dirty mind (And I confess that you cannot avoid that, since it's really going to be a part of our lives, especially in a generation wherein so many rape accidents are happening, and technology is at it's very best, that we don't fully know about the things we see in those screens. But kids our age REALLY don't know how to control their green heads, so I hope you aren't fully dirty, because I'll have to second think my thoughts (kidding). Everyone at school is also like this, so I won't be surprised by that). You're updated on the currents, also on the topic of people our age. All the popular pages (Ex.: Creepy side of tumblr, people of tumblr, pepeng pinakamalupit, etc) are liked on your facebook account. You're updated on sports (Cavs and GSW), etc, etc. Like the others, you also curse and cuss. You have a youtube account (where you posted a video of your field trip), Instagram, Facebook, and my favorite, Ask FM.
-I know your family. I know where your mom studied in college, I know the reason of why you're family isn't the happiest, and I know the situation your sister is going through with. I also know when your birthday is.
-You're popular. This is sad. Popular people can be mean, and I'm afraid. You've got lots of friends, and I think that you're quite a teacher's pet (I know your adviser is close with each of you in class).
I wonder what you'll think of this letter. I just wonder so very hard. What does a normal person usually feel after discovering that there's this person who's been crushing on them for so long, and discovers so many sugary stuff like this? Ugh. The thought kills me. Hundreds of thoughts kill me, which are all about you. Does he hate people who love Harry Potter? Is he nice? Does he like girls who have high grades? Does he have a crush? Does he like the color orange? Is he mean?
I know, deep inside, that there will never be an us, not even in the future. But you've made me feel so different, and I don't think I'll ever stop being your number one fan. I don't think I'll ever be able to feel how I feel about you towards other people. The combination of hate and desire I have for you is undescribable. I wish you all the luck with your music, life, family, and school. Your family problem isn't easy at all, I know, and I understand. Whenever you need me, just think of me in the night, and let me see you in my fantasies.
~Kazinra as Athena
Ugh. Those fifteen minutes of writing were the worst. SUGAR COATED THINGS MAKE ME CRINGE, AND I HATE MY TRUE FEELINGS. This is the grossest thing I have ever written. Hate it.
P.S: You once knew me, Callaron. You were my bestfriend, many lifetimes ago.